if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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