Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
