I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
