the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
