i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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