Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
