I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
