when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
