remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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