he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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