you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
