he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
