DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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