I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
