Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
