I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You pole danced in your parka.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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