The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
