If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
