I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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