Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
