I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
