when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
