Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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