I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
