Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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