Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
