yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
can u get pink eye on your cock?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
