Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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