if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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