I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
