When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
