I should be sponsored by Trojan
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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