Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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