I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
God, I missed his penis.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
