Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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