i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
