oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
