So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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