Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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