I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
They are going to name an STD after you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
