roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
