Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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