Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
