Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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