does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
