She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
