Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
