she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
