I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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