how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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