I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
