I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
