Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
