I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
