He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
