I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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