Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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