Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
