Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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