Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
