why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
